on having zero friends

I don’t actually have zero friends but I got the idea to write this post after reading this blog post by a lady who after moving to a foreign country found herself without friends. After suffering through the loneliness for about 3 years now, she has come to appreciate what the situation has developed in her character.

The post struck a chord in me because I’ve been going through a similar phase in my life where I have found myself in a situation where I seem to have dropped most if not all of my friends. It made me feel not alone in this situation. Initially I was a bit worried at my situation thinking that surely one cannot live this way and must stay in contact with people. In fact, I did maintain contact with a few but I found it to really be draining my energy as I was going through a tough time in my life where I needed to stay focused on myself.

Through a series of events I eventually came to the point where I realized it was doing me no good and I slowly cut off all contact with them and now I’m pretty much in a friendless state. It gets lonely but I feel so in touch with myself and able to decide in a clear way the things I need to do for myself without all the chatter one gets from friends and family. Not to mention I don’t miss the gossip sessions that coffee dates with friends inevitably degenerate into.

The writer of the article sounds like she would really be interested in making friends and is hoping this is just a temporary phase. I am quite the opposite and feel very comfortable where I am and that this is where I need to be right now. I did turn 42 this year so I don’t know if this is mid life crisis, maybe it is. I don’t think its a permanent state, I probably may eventually reconnect with some old friends, or more likely make some new friends that match my current phase and state of mind in life.

This Joel Osteen sermon on how we shouldn’t rely on people is my current mantra in life.

of single women and childhood sweethearts

Once upon a time, when I was about 12 or 13 years old, there was a boy in my school who liked me very much. So much in fact, that he wrote me a poem and had someone deliver it to me, I don’t remember who it was now. What resulted was a gaggle of excited and giggling school girls gathered around me as I read it. Then someone grabbed it from me and read it out loud to the whole group. That was an exciting day in our primary school life. I didn’t know what to make of it. The girls discussed in excited high pitched voices the implications of this act, what should or should not be done, would I get in trouble?? Oh please Lord don’t let me get in trouble with the teachers! Some girls were of the mind to forward the whole perplexing issue to a teacher to deal with and I was horrified! Luckily such a thing never ensued and I was free to continue my hitherto unremarkable life in peace.

From that day forward I was never quite sure how to behave around him. He was a really nice boy though. We would be coy around each other. Sometimes he and his friends would chase me and my friends down the school corridors, since that is what 12 year old boys do to show how much they like a girl 🙂

Ultimately nothing much came of that incident, and by the next year we were all off to different high schools and I never saw him until we were in university. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend (I think). But we would occasionally run into each other and hang out, especially in our first year when we were still getting familiar with the new environment. We were very comfortable together because we knew each other from our childhood. As the years passed he moved to another campus, we stopped running into each other or hanging out, so nothing came of this meeting either.

Fast forward about 10 years later and there was a school reunion. I was very excited to go and catch up with everyone, see how they had changed or not, and find out what they were up to. He also came and so, for a third time we met. I was single, he was single. And he looked quite interested in me. He hung around me the whole evening, bought me drinks, kept me entertained. I was a bit hesitant however and maybe he read my reluctance because he never called me after that night. I was a single mother now, and having come out of a harrowing relationship I was not about to jump into another. His lifestyle from what I saw and heard was a bit on the fast lane and I did not want to be the one trying to keep up with him. I had already tried and failed with my ex.

About a year later he got married. We would still chat sometimes online, and one day he mentioned to me that I had always been ‘the one’ except that I had never been interested. I was shocked. I didn’t know he still had that sentiment about me. After a while we fell out of touch and I haven’t spoken to him in years.

I’m still not married. As a single gal wondering why you’re still single, you occasionally go through your old files, such as this one. Was this my chance that I missed totally? Am I now doomed to a life of singleness after missing ‘the one’ for me? This question really used to bother me because I thought I had missed it. But I came to realize this was not true, and God still has ‘the one’ for me. When you find the one for you there’s no hesitation or second thoughts. I’ve been loving this sermon by Pastor Toure on finding your soulmate, it reaffirms my belief.

Do you have an old relationship you have regrets over? Let me know in the comments.

of married men edging out single men

So I have this single guy who’s my neighbour. We chat occasionally when we run into each other in the hood and he’s a pretty nice guy. I’m not like into him or anything but hey, he’s single, so he’s a prospect right?  He’s always polite to me and we’re both about the same age. He keeps to himself but is cordial to everyone which means he’s a pretty good candidate for my ideal number 3 type guy (see my earlier post here).

Well anyway, last year we were having the annual neighbourhood bash which involves alot of wine and all other types of alcohol, nyama choma and a great dj till late in the night. I hear it may have gone on till morning but I left at a decent hour of around 1 am I think. Its the ideal bash in light of the menace that is alcoblow these days. And of course to prevent drunk driving. At the end of the evening you’re at minimum staggering distance from your house, and as a bonus you don’t have to use any dodgy public bathrooms.

The dj was great, I kid you not. He gauged the crowd correctly and was playing jams from my college days. And being well lubricated with quite a bit of red wine, white whine, whisky and whatever else was on offer, quite a number of us were on the dancefloor getting a proper workout. This my neighbour, I’ll call him John, had joined us by late evening and the next thing I knew we were dancing together and had become a sort of an item, just me and him. They must have been playing our song, I just wish I could remember which one it was lol.

After 1, 2 and maybe even 3 songs  we were still going strong. I was starting to have thoughts in my  head that went something like: Wow, me and this guy seem to have a vibe going on here. Does he like me? Do I like him? What does this all mean? Maybe today will be that day that moves us from mere aquaintances to the next level…..

Meanwhile the dancing was going on and neither of us looked like we were about to leave the dance floor. And if we did we would have left together and sat somewhere together right? And had an amazing conversation, gazing into one another’s eyes, seeing each other in a new light that we hadn’t before, opening up to one another, the beginning of a great relationship right? Right?? Wrong! Because when the next song begins here comes this guy I don’t even know and he grabs me and pulls me over to his side and proceeds to make me his partner as it were. In the spirit of the neighbourhood party, I begrudgingly give him this dance. And in my head I’m wondering, is he a neighbour, an invited guest, who the hell is this guy? I look anxiously over my shoulder to check out if John is still around, but no, he’s disappeared into the night, retiring for the day. Whaaat? Nooooo! Meanwhile I have to dance out the song with this stranger. A few of the ladies come and join us and we do a group dance. The song ends and I bid the neighbourhood party adieu, and retire with some disappointment to my house.

Folks, this is not the end of the story. Over the next few days I notice this lady neighbour of mine has suddenly become very hostile towards me. When she sees me she is cold as ice, turns the other way and will not say hi. I dare not even try and say hi because I don’t know what on earth is going on. She’s not even someone that I’m so friendly with so I’m racking my brain thinking what I could have done wrong. Did I say something uncharitable about her and she overheard? Did I borrow some dish of hers that I’m yet to return?

In time I eventually get to find out what I believe the issue is. It turns out that the stranger on the dance floor, you know the guy who grabbed me that night? Is actually her husband. I overhear someone refer to him as baba so and so and I am like whaat? That’s her husband?? And all mysteries of hostility are resolved. I would be totally pissed off if I was her too. In fact I now remember that she was one of the ladies who came to join us on the dance floor that evening. And of course I can see why now. If your husband has grabbed some neighbourhood woman and is totally getting down with her on the dance floor, you probably need to get into that mix.

I started thinking about this incident when I wrote my last post on married men because I wondered, what on earth was this guy’s aim? Did he not see the vibe I had going on with this other guy? Who at least is single, hallooo?? Then he proceeds to spoil for us, all for what?? Now I shall never know what may have been that night. For the record this is almost a year later that I’m writing this. Yes, John is still my neighbour, and no, there are no developments between us. Truthfully speaking there is another different guy who I would much rather get together with. But for now, that is neither here nor there. For now, what we have is a married guy who is still very much on team mafisi and needs to get off the team NOW!

 

of single women and married men

So I was watching this movie on TV the other day about a guy who loses his job and has to stay home and take care of the kids while his wife brings home the bacon. He goes through all the expected misadventures trying to take care of his 3 small kids, starting off with a how hard can it be? attitude and finding out that actually it’s super hard!

But one scene I found particularly interesting was where he’s out and about shopping and this woman tries to hit on him, giving him her number and telling him coyly that he can call her anytime if he needs help with the kids because she knows how tough it can be. Mind you this is a woman who seems to know his family and wife and situation and all. So probably a neighbour or friend or something. And as he walks away in seemingly innocent bemusement at her unexpected overture she says slyly to her friend who is reminding her that he is married that hey, so were we once.

Being a single woman of marriageable age for many years, I roll my eyes at such scenes that stereotype the single woman and especially heaven forbid if you’re a single mother (like myself) or a divorcee. They are painted as desperate Jezebel types lying in wait for these wonderful men who are already taken up and they will not let them live in peace until they have them! Well, my experience has been quite the opposite. In fact, many married men are quite happy to chase single women all day long, some of them even posing as single men if possible. There are 3 types of married men imho:

  1. The total team mafisi type. This guy does not seem to be aware that he is married. His head turns with every pretty girl who passes by and he will bring out all his mafisi moves and lines with no hesitation. This is the kind of guy who will ask you for your phone number in front of his wife! The poor woman is doomed to a life of humiliation and has learned to bear it with a stoic oh well boys will be boys kind of attitude to help carry her through life. Every time I meet one of these kind I send a silent prayer upward that I never end up in that situation.
  2. The super saintly type. This is the guy who actually buys into all the stereotypes of the single woman jezebel and therefore keeps a safe and far distance from her lest she should get her claws into him. This is all great for the wife but seeing as I’m writing from the single woman’s perspective, it doesn’t feel good to be treated like some kind of mad woman,  bad woman in the famous words of Bruno Mars. Of course this is a step up from the womanising guy, but this kind of guy is also likely to be the super conservative type and have a women should be seen and not heard type of attitude. So we keep on going to….
  3. The third type. This is the ideal type of guy. He’s sober, no wandering eyes, good to his woman, and has no issues relating with other women also. He keeps a reasonable distance from them of course, as is expected of a respectably married man. But he doesn’t take off running at the sight of the single devil woman. I’m not quite sure this one exists, but he’s on my prayer list! As I also work towards being the ideal woman (as the relationship experts never fail to remind us).

On the married guy who’s still on team mafisi I have a couple of juicy stories that would have you rofl. But that’s for another day…..